I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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