My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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