I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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