In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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