If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize