just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
