i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
