I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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