A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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