I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
