I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
