is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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