so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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