well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
