I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
