nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
