did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
