Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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