Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
