Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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