I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
