I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
