I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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