I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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