Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
