i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
