I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
