if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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