I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
