dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
