the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
