the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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