so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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