My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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