I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
