please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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