I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
