The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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