You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
