I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
