are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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