I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
