just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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