What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
