my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize