I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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