Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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