So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
