i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
