dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
