Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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