i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
