hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
