I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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