I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
