All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
