a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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